Changes

You night have noticed that I haven't been here for a year. Last year was very hard for me and culminated with me losing my job at the beginning of this year. I wont go into all the details but I have historically written about my struggles with my desk job and chronic illness. But I will say it was a toxic situation that was making more poorly. 

So what now?

I am job hunting and times are a little uncertain (food to buy, mortgage to pay etc)

But I am also using the time productively. As my health is improving I am doing more to get fit and doing all I can to keep moving and better manage my complex range of health issues. I am also teaching myself how to make clothes and getting a better focus on my business and will be launching new things this year. I am trying to spend time each week de-cluttering and sorting through things. 

Moving forwards...

I am going to blog my journey and the life stuff is going to be a bit more of the focus.

Lifestyle, being a spoonie (living with chronic illness) and there maybe a review or two along the way - things I've tried, products I use, I have also become a Bzz Agent so there may also be the occasional Bzz. 

But most importantly it will all be my own views, my own struggles and (hopefully) triumphs. 

Long Time No Blog

So I mentioned that I was getting overwhelmed and then I sort of stopped blogging.


I needed a time out I was putting too much pressure on my self to get my Photo A Day photos up along with everything else.


How am I feeling now?


Well I can honestly say that I am getting there, a few little glitches and I am sure that there will be a few more glitches along the way.


I have now completed a Stress Control Course that was useful - sometimes its a case of reaffirming what you know. I have all of the course handouts and will be reviewing. I think the biggest break through for me was the realisation that if I am still struggling then I will be able to go for one on one therapy - something that I have always shied away from and would not have done in the past. I will get a call in a few weeks to see how I am going and I get to ask for another assessment if I feel I need it. I also get the back up of being able to call them to get referred back into the service any time that I want (but there are still those pesky waiting lists).

I am working towards getting back to the desk job and well we will see how that goes - I think I have learnt that I perhaps need to be a bit more honest about being sick (disabled) to myself and everybody. I may be a SuperMouse but I have come to realise that just because I could do something a couple of years ago doesn't mean that I can do it now. My body took quite a knock and I think I didn't really want to admit it. I think I forgot and just assumed that I could keep going and everything would work itself out and I would be back to where I was before. It doesn't work like that. I needed rest. I needed to give myself permission to heal.


By heal I don't mean that I am magically better.


I needed to re-establish that balance and work out where my base line levels are now (still a work in progress) and remember to take breaks and not feel like a failure for having to take time out.


I did continue to take photos - Yay


But I did miss the odd day here and there and you know what I dont care, I missed a few days here and there at the start of the challenge because the move and well I am going to continue and get a full 365 photos up.


When I started the challenge I thought - easy - but you know what it is actually harder than it seems especially when you take the majority of your photos on a camera rather than a phone and then I joined another photo a day thing over on Blipfoto (I do like to make things complicated).


But I do enjoy wandering around with my camera and I realise that I am starting to ramble now - lol.


So anyway getting to the point - I have taken photos and I am going to do a few Photo A Day catch up posts over the next few days and then I hope that you will join me for the journey to the end of the challenge and maybe we can think up a new challenge for when this one is over :)


And a huge thank you to everyone who has commented and given support and advice over the last 6 months - I really dont think I would have gotten as far as I have done without the encouragement, virtual hand holding and advice. 

Overwhelmed

You may have noticed that there is no photo a day post for yesterday. Well there is a photo but it has yet to be posted - I will be taking a photo each day but I wont post them until the weekend.


As to why - well the title of this post will give you an insight.


As you know I am currently signed off sick from the desk job. 


I have some meetings coming come with some services that will help and support me in talking to work and make sure that both parties interests are protected and well basically so I am not alone a tiny Mouse against a BIG mean thing. 


I also recently rejoined the ME Association and have spent time re-learning about ME.


I set myself the task of learning and putting together information to help with my case - but then I sort of hit a big wall.


I have been finding 'doing' difficult. I get side tracked by things or so focused on something that I dont do other things - which in turn makes them even bigger jobs - which in turn adds to my feelings of being overwhelmed. 


And the days are just speeding by with me always seeming to run behind. 


I need to write to work to let them know what's happening - but then a letter turned up - I opened it so that was an improvement but then I hit that wall and its taken me a few more days to work up to writing that letter. 


Now I had taken control and asked for NO emails, but guess what? Yep an email. I havent even been able to read it. My anxiety levels are getting out of control. I know what I need to do but I cant. 


I fear another letter turned up today - I dont really know. I cant face it my heart is hammering in my chest I fear a heart attack. 


All of that has meant that the letter I was going to write and get in the post on Monday is still yet to be written.


And so I continue to hide and obsess over things.


I am obsessing over the thing that I can control - Mouse. But even with that I am a little overwhelmed - I want to have everything done now, right this minute. I want things to come together at a snap of my fingers. I find that my time is consumed and there is little or no time to do anything else


I need to break it all down into little chunks, manageable bits for each day - I need to write a list and stick to it.


I am making myself decline again I can see that. I have decided that I cant return to working full time - I have realised that I have not given myself time to heal after a horrendous few years which has included some very nasty infections where I realise with hindsight that I returned to work far too soon (but then its hard to say yep I really need at least 3 months to get over that chest infection).


So bite sized chunks and a daily to do list that doesnt overwhelm me and where I can feel a sense of achievement each day.


I may be disabled, I may have a chronic illness, complex medical issues, but I am one of the lucky ones I am able to get about I am able to work (with support, understanding and flexibility) so why do I feel like I am being thrown on the scrap heap?

Anxiety the story continues...

So I thought that I would write a little update.

Everyone on Twitter have been great and a real source of help - even holding (in a virtual way) my hand as I go to appointments/have to read emails/open letters.

So I had my assessment appointment with the counselling service a couple of weeks ago and it was good. Really helpful if a little 'I am not really sure what I am doing here as I feel a bit more on an even keel' kind of way. It was an assessment appointment so no counselling, but the appointment was with a counsellor. He asked me a bit about myself and what I'd been feeling and how long I have had these problems. He said that it sounds like I normally deal very well with my depression and anxiety. Depression and anxiety are not new to me and he wanted to know how he could help. I asked to learn some skills to help me deal with it better as although I normally cope I feel that maybe some of my coping mechanisms aren't always the best (I do tend to hide and avoid things).

Along with the normally coping well he identified that current problem is occupational anxiety and that I have lost a source of encouragement and the person that I would normally talk to. I know that some people still believe that my issues are unresolved bereavement and I feel like I am going blue in the face saying its not - well for once I didn't get that, it was like a breath of fresh air. It was so nice to be told that I was doing well but obviously there are areas that I need a little help. He felt that I would benefit more from learning skills to deal with anxiety rather than one to one counselling. As I am pretty terrified of one to one counselling and dont think that I am the sort of person that would really benefit from it (its not right for everyone) and I like learning I was glad to be offered the opportunity to go to what I am calling anxiety school and I will draw comfort from a group environment knowing that we are all there for similar sort of things. So I am waiting for that referral.

Its not the easy the option - yes as I have said I will draw comfort from the group environment but I will also have to summon up a huge amount of courage to walk through those doors for the first time (and every time after that). But that's not me discharged - the tutors will continue to assess me and if they feel that treatment needs to be changed, more focused or the feared one to one then this can all still happen.

Now I was feeling better after this. More positive. More like what am I doing, pull yourself together be brave you can go to work. Well the day loomed and I just got worse the fear eating me inside I was not ready. I thought I would be so I had not made a return appointment to get the medical note reviewed. It ran out so an appointment had to be made - pot luck.

I saw a different doctor and well he made me feel worse. I got asked how long have I been off now - well I am not entirely sure time is a bit of a blur. But then I got told that the longer I leave it the harder it would be. Well yes I know this - You may be surprised to know I am actually intelligent are you even old enough to be a doctor . But its not that easy. If it was do you really think I would be crying my eyes out in a wild panic with my heart thumping out of my chest? Ok so I didn't say that to him I just weakly said that I know it will be harder the longer I leave it.

I am trying, I am getting help - why would I be waiting for anxiety school if I wasn't trying. Why would I be pushing myself to go out and do 'normal' things if I wasn't trying. I could just sit on my arse and do nothing.

And so the cycle starts again. I was starting to feel a bit more 'yeah I can do this'. But then I got an email (followed by a letter - just in case one anxiety attack wasn't enough) work have referred me to an occupational health assessment doctor (I know that this is part of the 'procedure' and that it was probably coming but would have been nice to have had an email to say that an appointment was being made before the appointment came through - I know you can't win with me communication makes me panic and yet well targeted communication can be good). So now I have gone back down. I am back to wanting to stick my finger up at them and tell them where to go (in a very rude and unlady like manner). My problem is that I get destructive - I swallow it down and down down until I cant keep it in any more and its like an explosion of rage. I do stupid things. I fear losing my job (money). I fear going back. I fear that I am an explosion waiting to happen.

Then there is the part of me that has already left that place and moved on, focusing on what I want to do, develop and make a success.

There is also the part of me that worries that I am damaging LittlemouseLilly by being so open and honest.

The really stupid thing with work is that they wanted my attendance to get better as I have had a bad run over the last couple of years so by putting me on an attendance capability procedure (jump through hoops to ensure I attend work because yeah like I want to be sick) they actually triggered a worse response. If I had been left alone then attendance would naturally have improved and they would have had their productive and effective employee who was genuinely happy to work there, now when (if) I return they wont get a happy employee they will get one who is looking for the first opportunity to jump ship - just stupid.