You may have noticed that there is no photo a day post for yesterday. Well there is a photo but it has yet to be posted - I will be taking a photo each day but I wont post them until the weekend.
As to why - well the title of this post will give you an insight.
As you know I am currently signed off sick from the desk job.
I have some meetings coming come with some services that will help and support me in talking to work and make sure that both parties interests are protected and well basically so I am not alone a tiny Mouse against a BIG mean thing.
I also recently rejoined the ME Association and have spent time re-learning about ME.
I set myself the task of learning and putting together information to help with my case - but then I sort of hit a big wall.
I have been finding 'doing' difficult. I get side tracked by things or so focused on something that I dont do other things - which in turn makes them even bigger jobs - which in turn adds to my feelings of being overwhelmed.
And the days are just speeding by with me always seeming to run behind.
I need to write to work to let them know what's happening - but then a letter turned up - I opened it so that was an improvement but then I hit that wall and its taken me a few more days to work up to writing that letter.
Now I had taken control and asked for NO emails, but guess what? Yep an email. I havent even been able to read it. My anxiety levels are getting out of control. I know what I need to do but I cant.
I fear another letter turned up today - I dont really know. I cant face it my heart is hammering in my chest I fear a heart attack.
All of that has meant that the letter I was going to write and get in the post on Monday is still yet to be written.
And so I continue to hide and obsess over things.
I am obsessing over the thing that I can control - Mouse. But even with that I am a little overwhelmed - I want to have everything done now, right this minute. I want things to come together at a snap of my fingers. I find that my time is consumed and there is little or no time to do anything else
I need to break it all down into little chunks, manageable bits for each day - I need to write a list and stick to it.
I am making myself decline again I can see that. I have decided that I cant return to working full time - I have realised that I have not given myself time to heal after a horrendous few years which has included some very nasty infections where I realise with hindsight that I returned to work far too soon (but then its hard to say yep I really need at least 3 months to get over that chest infection).
So bite sized chunks and a daily to do list that doesnt overwhelm me and where I can feel a sense of achievement each day.
I may be disabled, I may have a chronic illness, complex medical issues, but I am one of the lucky ones I am able to get about I am able to work (with support, understanding and flexibility) so why do I feel like I am being thrown on the scrap heap?