Sunday, 15 January 2012

Photo A Day - Day 140


I realised that I had missed out a theme (despite my list) - I blame my brain (I know I still need to update the rules page)

travel in style
So I am now getting sleep.

But there is still a problem - I wake up just as tired/if not more tired than when I went to bed.

I have a constant mild sore throat, with 'gunk' running down/coating the back of my throat. I start of the day cold, but as the day moves on I get hot. Really hot. In fact I feel like I have a temperature, but the thermometer says no.

The pain levels have reduced since getting sleep - but instead of the spiking extreme pain that ebbs, I now have the constant wearing dull ache and gets more challenging to deal with as the day goes on. 

I am finding concentration difficult - a few weeks ago I could sew and follow a TV programme at the same time. Now well not so much and I am finding that I need to have breaks. 

I have been noticing for a while that my ability to read has gone down hill - I go through patches where I cant take it in and read a passage/chapter and have absolutely no idea what I have just read or keep re-reading the same sentence stuck in a sort of loop - now this is devastating as I love to read, reading is an escape. I used to devour multiple books in a week now it takes me months to read a book that would have taken me a few hours.

I have to keep re-reading to re-find my thread while writing these posts and the save button is my friend.

Now my constant fear is a full ME relapse. 

Over the years me and ME have come to a sort of understanding and we have been muddling along. 

My worry is that these are not new symptoms - they are giving my a glimpse back to when I was bad - not at my worse but bad. Is it blip? A gentle (if unpleasant) reminder! Or am I heading back to those worse days? (I did a post on ME a while ago here)

Or can everything be put down to stress - I have to confess I dont really know much about stress (despite doing a stress course at work some time ago). I dont feel 'stressed'. Stressed to me is 'oh my god I am doing to many things and I cant fit it all in and I dont know where to start'. But then I read what stress is and well I recognise those feelings - but its soo much like depression and anxiety. I cant help but feel that if I was still with my old doctor he would have said depression over stress. A mixture of both? 

I cant face work (the desk job), I cant face the people, I cant deal with talking to them - not because I feel that the work is too hard, I have too much, or that targets (hoops we all have to jump through) are unachievable. My problem is I feel betrayed, let down, confused, I thought they were being understanding/supportive but feels like that rug has been pulled out from under me. 

I am worried about losing my job (mine is the main income and we've just brought a house, so worried about losing the house). I am worried about what would happen, I know that given my history finding a new job would be challenge, given the economic market finding a new job would be difficult. I am worried about the possibility of a serious health decline and what that would mean. The benefits system was hard enough before and I feel that its even harder now and that I would fall between the cracks time and time again - I distrust it. I am worried that I would be forced to use the small amount of savings that we have (using to off set the mortgage) before I could even be eligible for anything. I am worried that I wont be able to return to 'that' office as I don't know if the trust can be rebuilt - would I ever feel comfortable calling in sick - would I struggle in when I shouldn't and therefore do more harm than good to myself.

I am worried if I will survive.

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